Chivalry… A Rest In Peace Tutorial
It may not be dead… but it definitely could use some group therapy and a green juice.
This story was written in the BX around 2010 at 3am when i was staying by my cousins house and chasing the worst version of a rap career.
I can’t even re-tell this story in full, but I shall enumerate the 5 lessons of the day, and give my final thought like Jerry Springer.
But if you are one of those people who just needs to know… YES… all of this shit happened
1. If you are buying sammiches… at 1am… in the south bronx… let’s not act like you are innocent.
Bitch ain’t nothing out this time of the night except the devil, people who met him, and busy bodies who too dumb to know better.
*yes… i know I’m out here… i met him… I’m Swayze
You’re wearing a long white tee shirt like a dress and knee-high boots and a belt that looks like you win a lot in wrestling… you’re already out of line. You look like a fashionable ghost..
Unless you selling that rhubarb.
In which case, your pimp or lady pimp.. or whoever answers the email on your OnlyFans page should have handled this sammich run. Doordash niggas look like berserker vikings for a reason… they deal with creatures of the night. Like Spawn.. or Michael Jackson.
2. If a gentleman of leisure walks into a sammich shop saying
“Ayooo.. I just robbed me a nigga, turn dem cammas off so I can use deez creddy cars to buy shit”
AND is DEAD serious…
Making the lead poisoning at a young age face
You know the look… its all in the eyes… its a look of
“I don’t know math/how to spell/say words good. The teacher should have never called on me, so instead I’d rather get kicked out of class… so im gonna flip this desk over and call the teacher a white bitch”
Yeah… that face.
Fuck yeah you should leave him alone if you cant scrap. PERIOD. Nothing about this mans life seems like it has prepared him for complex decision making or whatever goes through the mind of people who don’t beat you up.
He just pointed a gun at the cashier of a sandwich shop he is NOT robbing as a way to accentuate his seriousness in using these cards to “spend gud money up in this mohfukka” and gesturing to all the stuff he wants to buy…
he pointed at a sandwich on the board with it… guns are props to him
so he took a break to get your number…
its a compliment…
Be complimented and give him a fake number
Also this ain’t tag team.. I don’t know you OR him. Sun got on black air force 1’s and NBA jeans and you shot him down like this is 2pm in Tribeca and none of that other shit is happening.
Some of you only moved here post-gentrification. So let me help you. That particular pant and shoe combo is ONLY for people that demonstrate a proficiency sending you to the hospital. They are scary to the people you are already scared of. Remember the guy who mugged you? This is the guy who breaks in your muggers house and ties him up. The people who rob you have nightmares about people who wear this kind of shit.
So yeah… if he backs that thing out and I get hit in the crossfire and you DONT… my dying breath will be used to call you all types of bitches and dog headed bitches and stank hoes and probably some hard r’s. I’m not an avenger. I’m high. I ain’t sign up for the Kumite. Fuck you think this is. You selling that rhubarb or what?
3. You start wilding on that crazy dude like chivalry ain’t dead and my mother knows who you are. Not only did you tell him he cant get ur number, but you did it like an offended drag queen with WILD observational insults and fashion critiques. Then u went hands on like a beat cop out of patience and started shoving a man with a GUN… fuck yeah I will let you get Worldstar’d. I will watch said crazy nigga sweep your leg like Karate kid and I will go have a Pepsi. In fact, I will tell you to shut up all the screaming as I order extra fixings on my delicious sammich from Aki while chastising him for being distracted and say tandem Muslim prayer for you… high five’ing sun as I leave the scene of your accosting.
How do I sleep?
Like a fucking newborn.
4. Putting your hands in the face of a crazy nigga when you’re clearly not interested in telling me how handsome I am does not provide much in the way of motivation, to go all Batman Begins on anybody
The last thing ANYONE wants to hear after taking a few lead poisoning strenth haymakers is
“aaww.. Naah, I’m into girls… but thank you sooooo much for hewping me, ur sweet… muah 💋”
So fuck that… you should have winked at me when you walked in here. I’m not a mind reader. Do you “owe” me some ass when or if i decide to foolishly endanger myself to save you? NO. We live in a high-trust society. The same way a bank does not “owe me” a tote bag and water bottle and pen and bag of bullshit branded tchotchke’s when i open an account. But let me NOT get that shit. I wont be back.
5. Turning to me and Aki and saying
“yall just gonna let him put his hands on me?”
Yes.. yes I am…. technically YOU started it. I may say “is that lady bothering you sir”.
I know… we as a people (but really men) should be responsible for each other and protect our queens from the systemic oppression that has befallen their kingdom of the re-emanipationings and its a vicious SYNDROME that will be galvination’d as we all gain footing on the mountain top of Dr King and the such and such and so forth…
All that leather brimless hats shit goes right the fuck out the window in the Bronx at 2am when you was technically trying your luck, like your life had a Contra cheat code on it.
“Oh.. yall some whole bitches… bitch ass men… ain’t even help a WOMAN… how yall let him do me like this… im a WOMAAAANs”
Yeah… that don’t make me feel bad sun
It makes me want to pull out my phone and see if I can find a RZA instrumental that has the BPM’s of your ass whipping. Need a good backdrop for the Kung Fu noises and sonic rings I plan on adding in post edit.
This could have been avoided, but you wanted to make a stand… and you DID technically
Now we all know who’s not allowed to ask for your phone number… mid robbery…. at 4am…. in a sammich shop… in the south bronx.
You are a wild cowboy… he was really being sweet… asking if you wanted anything and all that. His beef was with the dude who ain’t wanna turn off the cameras for his theftwich (and probably Newport 100’s) so he could use credit cards he just stole.
There is a wallet deprived man blocks from here suffering from blunt force trauma that would have warned you that time is the only thing standing between this gentleman and ramen noodles with cut up beef jerky in it.
Think of the thought process behind a person like that… and he has a gun
and you want to call him all types of pussy ass niggas and fuckboy faggots and mush him in his subway series hat.
You are a crazy sob. You mushed a robber…mid robbery… or theftwich with extra hots….yeah.. not my problem.
MORAL TO THE STORY: If you are a woman… or a beautiful womanly man or whatever… and you are a “hands in the face” type, you might want to know how to fight. Personally, I am not a beater of wimmins, but nor am I a street vigilante. My heroics are on a case by case basis.
You slapped my girl cousin… which one?
Some of em might have had it coming. We are a mouthy tribe.
I don’t go running off all willy nilly into trouble because a woman yells help… that’s how Rosewood started. Now think about that… technically asking for my help is racist. you just did a racism upon me. Check ur privs mam.
Minding your business is a delicate process, like heart surgery, or pickpocketing. For moms and grandmoms I fight eternally, for sisters and close girl cousins.. until I get tired, but anything below that pay grade, you might want to call the cops, your man, your dad, the feller you are currently dutty whinin’, a nosy neighbor, a less jaded person than me, or keep your opinions to yourself in a sandwich shop in the Bronx at 4:30am, cause I ain’t helping you.
Unless (as we have covered) my mom knows you, or I think you will let me ladle that fondue as a parting gift.
Love,
Emmett … who ain’t in it
See if Aki got a cold compress for that eye.