Bespoke Shirt (Spring 22′ Handprints Collection)

Description

If you’ve never owned one of our Haute Couture shirts, your frame has never felt the opulence… we highly doubt your domestic mind can even fathom the soft decadence of these IMPORTED heavenly fibers draping over ur dermis

As a patriotic clothier, we had to wrestle with the ethics of importing these materials. But we decided that a wine-soaked Frenchman should not be the only person who gets to experience the sweet ambrosia that is this item

I should have had to file this shit with the FDA… because how it makes you feel is closer to Spanish Fly than shirt from a rappers website. It’s almost a given that women will brush against you and make a gutteral noise, and start asking where they know you from.

Also, its an ideal staple piece for any wardrobe! It has a bloody shoebox on it with words written in gold chain. Younger people will describe it as drip. That’s a good thing. Tell them it is from an NFT and let the cool points pile up bro. Prob start offering you bites of their avocado toast right there on the spot!

• 100% Sean Combs ring-spun cotton, hand-woven by a shaman woman from the mountains of Guyana for maximum cultural appropriation. Ok… whatever, but I’m Guyanese and I’m selling it to you, which is the same thing when you think about it.

• Heather Grey is 90% cotton, 10% polyester. She is also a Professor at UC Berkeley. Google it. I know. That’s wild right? She made sure we made this shirt mad woke, so just know everyone from the person at the sewing machine all the way to the Amazon driver that will bring this to ur crib is a lesbian eskimoe albino Muslim guitar player who has thrown a flaming trashcan at police in the last 24months, and we are committed to sending them all to college for free cause you bought a fly shirt from us.

• All fabrics have been ethically sourced and with zero carbon footprint and paleo organic vegan keto friendly buzzwords to make you feel comfortable giving me money. Berkeley lady verified that shit. Said it was tops. To even purchase the material to make this for you i had to take a Woman’s Studies course and get my septum pierced… twice.

• 32 singles, which is how most bar fights start. This shirt will intimidate them because it has cartoon blood on it. They will fear you…. as they should. You a dangerous MF’er who made the wise decision of helping me crowdsource my cellphone bill through tchotchkes

• Pre-shrunk… so it’s a grower… guaranteed to add mad girthy length or whatever them pills from the gas station do. You will be flopping ur urethra down on the breakfast table like a boss. All because of a shirt. Can you imagine what happens when you buy more products?

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This product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order. There is a man in a basement who will be woke up if he is sleep and told to get to work as soon as ur card clears, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Sometimes he tries to escape and do the writing backwards shit on the windows and he needs a bit of straightening. We find making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, also trying to catch a warehouse full of these mf’ers is wild hard and then John Law starts asking mad questions… so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!