Bulletproof Suitcase (Travel Pepe)

Description

You have been browsing… and you saw something that caught your eye huh?
Of course it did… you are obviously a person of sophistication as this is one of our more popular items

Just by clicking on this to inspect it you have identified yourself as a person with magnificent taste.

But you may have said to yourself.. “self… is this suitcase ACTUALLY bulletproof??”

A simple answer YES!!!

A more complicated answer… well… I mean… we didn’t shoot it. But we believe with thoughts and prayers and positive energy, anything is possible. Like you’ve read the good book… right? See all the things he did for them people. Them bitches ain’t even have smartphones…¹

So I ask you… Won’t he do it???

MAN… all the time… I wish I had some praise hands emojis

But also you’ve been to an airport before… i know you have because you are on my website and I’m not famous enough for poor people to know who I am. You’ve probably been on luxury cruises and slept in a yurt and rode a horse and eat froyo and pay your taxes on time and all kinds of wild shit i couldn’t imagine. But yeah so AIRPORTS… you are standing by the thing… you know, the big metal birth canal for luggage. It has the conveyor belt where the guys in the back, who look like EVERY rapper in Jacksonville, smoke weed and rummage through your shit and do sword fights with long double dongers that somebodies wife brought to their inlaws house so she could get some sleep in a strange bed. WHATEVER THO…

point is… you wait for your bag to come out and its like at least 394 bags that look JUST like yours

NOT NO MORE

this is a classy luxury bulletproof suitcase that can really stop actual bullets that are shot at you with a gun (god willing)

NOT ONLY will it prevent any bullet under a 50 caliber from decimating your frame (we hope), but it will also prevent somebody who looks exactly like Chief Keef from seeing what kind of pocketable electronics you packed. It is NOT racist to not want him to see ur weed gummies or your fuck lotions or sex powders or whatever diabolical things you have. That is YOUR business. He doesn’t need to be snickering with his friends and shaking his dreadlocks with laughter about how fucking big ur underwear is or whatever clothes your girl packed… all because you didn’t have the FORESIGHT to own and deploy the preventative measure that is this enhanced and titanium-infused bullet-resistant suitcase.

You made a wise decision today, my friend

• A tough inside liner made of 100% AR500 Steel, silicon carbide, Kevlar, Ultra-High-Molecular-Weight Polyethylene (UHMWPE), and polycarbonate glass would most definitely stop bullets. Ours is made of some other shit. But we did think real hard about those things i just typed when we were making THIS very similar-looking product. My lawyer did a keybump when he read that.

• Black ABS back hard-shell. See… i ain’t even edit that. It said that shit. What does that mean? Who knows but i bet if somebody tried to Nino Brown you, like the old man in New Jack City and you held this suitcase up you’d be impressed by its stopping power.
• Sizes: Small (22″ × 14″ × 9″), Medium (26″ × 18″ × 10″), Large (30″ × 20″ × 11″) with optional extended storage that we designed SPECIFICALLY to beat the TSA scanner. Dogs will NOT be able to smell whatever you forgot you still had in your pocket from Miami, because of the hydrophobic layers of the luxury fiber. Its like putting dope in coffee and putting that coffee in a bottle of bleach.
• 4 double-wheels with 360° swivel… which your head should be on because none of us went to college and these claims are wildy unfounded.
• 2 inner pockets… which should only be used if you fill your outer pocket. Aka ur prison wallet. You gotta hoop that shit like Wes Watson.
• Built-in safety lock which is certified unpickable. Even that lawyer on YouTube who opens Master locks with a Burger King straw was like “aye.. shits super tough McNuggs… sturdy lock”.
• Blank product sourced from a government facility that specializes in bulletproof luggage. Which one? How’d we get it? Why is a rapper selling it? Thats a lot of questions for person who NEEDS to block gunfire with carry-on bags. We could ask you a bunch of shit just based on why you care so much… but we’re not. Because we respect ur right to privacy and to stay dangerous.

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This product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order. There is a man in a basement who will be woke up if he is sleep and told to get to work as soon as ur card clears, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Sometimes he tries to escape and do the writing backwards shit on the windows and he needs a bit of straightening. We find making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, also trying to catch a warehouse full of these mf’ers is wild hard and then John Law starts asking mad questions… so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!

¹ I’m not tech-shaming Biblical figures, I’m just illustrating that it’s not hard to be all pious and resist the urge to jack-off  when you are mad thirsty in a desert, and looking at mountains far away. Bar is kind of low if we are being fair. How about this… you pee in cleaner water than those people drank, ever. Does that mean your life is perfect? I’d say it’s harder. Every day, you have to fight the urge to hit your boss with nunchucks, while he asks you dumb questions, and you have to work super hard while people buy Ferraris with the money they make sitting on birfday cake for Japanese businessmen, and here you are with wild pornographies in the palm of your hand. The fact that you are even on the innernets reading this right now and not using your wifi for sinning and beating your dick to DEATH… means you are a good person. Ladies too… you could be smushin’ your mush like a maniac right now… but here you are. So you deserve the finer things in life. Like this amazingly bullet retardant (we assume) luggage. And don’t worry if it can really stop a bullet… whatever higher power you believe in, can stop the bullet. If not… I mean I’m not a theologian, but you may want to pick a God that is tougher than the people in Marvel movies or the door of an 87′ Cutlass.