Kane Mayfield

You are entering a bond of chaos commerce!

Terms and Conditions

1. All sales are final… like FINAL final. YES, EVEN YOURS.

Ain’t no take-backs, rewinds, sike’s, or emotional appeals. It’s like debating who ordered porn on your TV in a hotel. Sir, we understand you are “confused” but we are 100% going to be charging your card. We hope you enjoyed Saving Ryan’s Privates, and whatever is missing from the minibar. You bought it? Good looks. Hopefully you got it, but even if you didn’t… the money? Gone. Vaporized. Already spent on light bills, studio time, or something spicy from the BBQ spot near my house. Shirt doesnt fit? Cool story bro… just assume we did that on purpose to motivate you. Now put it in the aspirational section of your closet and hit the treadmill.

2. No Returns, No Exchanges, No Switcharoo’s.

This is a rapper doing crypto. Like, I’ve sold people jpegs. According to my lawyer, you didn’t “buy” anything from us, you were technically “making donations” and we were thanking you by making a good-faith effort to send you something nice. This is like getting a Cartier bracelet from the guy at the dice game. You lucky anything showed up at all. You got a receipt? Dope… should probably frame it. That’s history. It proves you were here. But if the website made it look a bit snazzier than what was in the box, I want you to re-read the description of the product you purchased and have a long think about who’s fault that is. If you still think we’re to blame, you can skip to number 4.

3. This Ain’t Amazon. This Ain’t Nordstrom. This Ain’t Even a Real Business.

Your parcel got jacked by porch pirates? That’s tragic… but also that’s your street-level logistics issue. We send the tracking. We bless it on the way out like the priest in Rocky. After that, it’s fate and federal carriers b. No one’s processing that. No one’s even opening your letter. We have a series of emails fwd’s that will loop your complaint for eternity. Ben built it. We love Ben.

But we understand that sometimes you may really just need help, or to speak with someone. In those moments, we advise you to seek the counsel of whoever sells God in your area. Those guys typically have an answer for everything. But also if the people who live near your house are pushing you around, what makes you think you can intimidate us? Send us a video of your porch pirates apologising at gunpoint like Michael Douglass in “Falling Down” and we’ve got something to talk about. Thats good for a subway gift card… ON US.

4. We dont do Customer Service… we engage in Consumer Combat.

There’s no corporate structure here Karen. There’s no hierarchy. No interns named Brittany are checking your order number. Feel like yelling at someone? Cool. I pay extra for this service. Here’s a phone number:
707-873-7862
Push 1 and don’t call after 7 pm EST.

If you talk spicy or demand to chat with whatever you think passes for a “manager” my Gen Z’s are trained to hang up on you IMMEDIATELY. I only hired mad woke Liberal Arts students with aggressive amounts of dignity and entitlement. I stoked this fire by spending $4,600 on different luxury appliances for their breakroom. We told them NOBODY is allowed to hurt their feelings or imply they did anything wrong EVER. So if you wanna get all shouty with ur mouth full of paprika, talking about “who do we think we are” and a Christmas list of demands, you are gonna get transferred to Tone. Either way, Tone don’t do refunds.

Nobody is gonna “lose their job” because you are unsatisfied. We will send you a link for sex toys so you can satisfy yourself, hang up on you, and take a long lunchbreak. Its in the training manual.

5. Don’t Mistake Kindness for Weakness.

If you hit us thinking your situation is special, like you bought this for a girl who ended up being a romance scammer from Lagos, or you ordered this hoodie while microdosing in Tulum and forgot you already bought the same one last week… thats awesome. Glad to hear you are well-traveled, and meeting new people. None of that constitutes an “us” problem, tho. Buyer’s remorse can be a tricky thing to deal with. Fortunately, seller’s remorse is way easier, and we are not above changing our phone number or gaslighting you on social media.
Just remember:
I convinced your grandmother to buy a $40,000 timeshare in Branson, Missouri… in the winter.
You will not out-emotion me.

6. THE PRODUCTS WERE NEVER NORMAL. NEITHER WERE YOU.

You can’t screenshot your way out of the post-nut clarity of having spent money. Once the transaction clears, we all move on. You got what you paid for. Maybe you didn’t, but whether or not it feels worth it… well… that’s a whole other conversation. To be had with yourself. Or your particular higher power of choice. You bought a hat that guarantees by wearing it you’ll get offered a hand job at Miami’s Art Basel. You clicked “Buy Now” on a shirt advertised as “causing visible erections.” You willingly ordered a duffel bag that claims to be bulletproof, police dog proof, and court-admissible in La Cross, Wisconsin.

If you’re reading this thinking “wait… that was just marketing?” Then you have fundamentally misunderstood the nature of my website, and may God have mercy on your soul.

By continuing with this purchase, you agree to all of the above. You waive your right to argue, get a refund, Indian-give the cheddar, or complain with any moral superiority. You are entering a bond of chaos commerce.

And honestly?
We appreciate you, and we value your business. But that doesn’t mean we are an actual store or will NOT resort to taking this whole website down and disappearing if you lawyer up or try and get froggy.

Refunds

If the above did not make it perfectly clear… no.

You want me to call the light company and say,

“Hey… can you run me back some of the money I paid y’all? Well.. super funny story, turns out a shirt I sold this jackass from the innernets wont hide his belly like i promised, and his back is too bigged for a luxury cardigan? Yeah i know right… well I’ve put on a pound or two since college as well, so who am i to judge… yeah i get it, so….. what was that??…. oh well we did say its all just fucking around but he didn’t read that part… yeah… im not gonna break a fake promise to a stranger for a business thats not real, so just cut my real-life lights off so we can get him sorted.”

That ain’t gonna happen, home skillet. Our refund policy is U.F.O. — U Fucking Own it.

Perhaps you could do like a Herbalife thing, and you sell it to someone else who will be unhappy with it?
We support that… We believe in trickle-down disappointment.

But that bread has already been donated to a charity that is WILD sad. Try to pull that money back?
We will 100% pop up on Twitter with 17 children in wheelchairs with one flat tire so when we push em they wobble back and forth. Some of them are on respirators.
We’ll post your home address, email address, favorite foods, Amazon wishlist… all of it. We will let the internet cook you slowly while we pretend to have no idea why you are mad at us.

You want that?
Some doe-eyed little tike with dirt on his face
with a clubbed foot and a bald cap (we might even shave his head for real) staring into the camera like:

“Why do you want to take our medicine away, mister…?
Well… I’m sure you need it more than we do… sorry about your fancy shirt being the wrong size
God bless you.”

It’ll be nuts.
Oscar-nominated.
You’re not getting your money back.

Late or missing refunds

If you haven’t received a refund yet, first check your bank account again.

Then contact your credit card company; it may take some time before your refund is officially posted.

Next contact your bank. There is often some processing time before a refund is posted. Usually 3 to 5 days.

If you’ve done all of this and you still have not received your refund yet, please get a gun and go rob your bank because you have a better chance of getting the cash draw from Wells Fargo, than you do getting one red cent from us.

Exchanges

We only replace items if they are defective or damaged. And since those words constitute emotional violence, if you refer to our products as defective or damaged it is a hate crime and you are being racist. All of our products identify as “In Perfect Condition™” and “Exactly As Advertised™”. So have fun getting sued for being a racist and losing your job because you thought a failed rapper would sell you a working Cuckoo Clock or whatever weird shit you bought on this website.

Gifts

Everything you spent was a “gift” and “for entertainment purposes only” according to my lawyer. We thank you for it.
There is no return address.