Dr. Mayfield’s Advice Of The Week – “Distance Yourself”
GREETINGS,
(This one is from 2013 but the message is still more than applicable today)
So I get a text message from one of my boys today… and dude is like “YO… look at what name redacted be doing in her extracurricular”. It was a link to her backpage… i’d ask why he was on there to find it but… i mean, my guy is an unrepentant heathen of the highest order.
This prompted Dr Mayfield’s advice of the day.
LADIES (and some of you fellas one would assume): If you are going to be prostitutioning that tater skin on Beyonce’s innernets… well Old Doc Mayfield says you might not want to do it in the city you live/work/raise your babies in. (by the way, everybody being a quasi-hooker was WAY less of a problem in 2013… im a god damn prophet, but for the decline of western civilization instead of something useful like lotto numbers)
I know… you probably think “John” is some old discreet white dude that runs a hardware store and his wife has a blowjob embargo since that time she caught the loogie from his trouser snake and it gave her an eye jammy when they were on vacation in Santa Barbara circa 92. So “John” just wants you to rub your titties if you love big poppa, and talk dirty to him after he takes you to dinner and tells you how pretty you are for 3hrs. Because “John” is some sort of ultra-rich never nude and he wouldn’t dare force you to stare at his weird penis. And THEN because he wants you to be happy “John” will hand you an Eastwood style fist full of dollars. Hard work pays off eh darling… this is the treatment you deserve
Let me introduce you to my good friend REALITY…
No…
No nigga…
You know that thirsty looking dude that gave you the rape stare on the 4 train, or the chubby fellow who followed you around the supermarket with one hand in his sweatpants? Well… (this may surprise you), when THAT GUY has had a good day and feels like treating himself who do you think he’s calling?
That’s right YOU.. and he wants to poop on your chest.
Oh… AND you charge too much, the price for a double gripple ripple churn-the-butter gets him an “all around the world deluxe with a golden shower” from the hooker he usually goes to. So you’d better be TWICE as good as (insert name of pastry or liquor here ). Too bad she is knocked up, cause she does him right.
But you’ll do…
Yeaaahhhh…
You’ll do juuussssst fiiiiiine. (wipes mouf)
By the way.. he will MAKE SURE you stare at his weird penis…and it’s SUPER weird….
It’s probably hairy to the tip like a monkey tail… and wild crooked like a Dr. Seuss tree… and the hairs criss cross at the top like the Grinch’s hairdo. Don’t make that face… this is your choice of occupation. Nobody is showing dick to the man doing drywall… except the Electrician, and even then its metaphorical. A series of terrible decisions put you in the room with this guy and if you look away he will start screaming at his invisible friend that you are “just like all the others… but we’ll see who’s laughing in a minute… NOW LOOK AT IT!!!”
See… you want this type of action nowhere near your home and childrens. People get followed home.. happens like every 3rd episode on Sexy Victims Unit. I know you think you are a super sleuth and will just take 4 buses and a train then switch rental cars in hoboken… but all of that is wild expensive and if you had that kind of follow through you would be CRUSHING some annoying MLM business and not sitting on birthday cake for japanese businessmen. Water finds its level fam… i dont make the rules or i wouldnt be writing this. I’d be preparing for trial as a powerful attorney with 7min abs, and a wife who makes ice cream from scratch.
Yeah… double take…. those kids are grabbing at his dick spigot. This is before AI… this is a real picture.
Why is the hose going through his butt crevice?
Why is everybody smiling??? The fuck is going on.. The shit you find on google smh.
I dont know what the gun laws are there, but this photo needs a follow up of like Chris Hansen and the A Team busting through the tree line and swat teaming this whole affair. Its the deadpan expression and the finger point. That is an accordion in the background… this image came with a musical number. I really want to fire a pistol into the air several times to disperse this crowd.
People who drop their pants AND underwear to the shoes at urinals should be given a fine. You know, for making us have to see their pale buttcheeks when im just trying to find a urinal with space on both sides so we not shoulder to shoulder with our oathkeepers out. But this shit is like a visual war crime. I dont care if im off topic now. Imagine you walk up from behind because its your first time at the bad parents picknick and you’re like “why homie got his batty cheeks out” then you see the other side got the yoots… team work, making his dream work with a tandem grip on my man spigot. You got to mag dump this whole event. Im reenacting scenes from the Apocrypha.
Why isn’t one of the parents tiger punching the greek god of repressed memories over here? Friar Tuck-A-Hose got a barrel of “get right”, strapped to his back and is dispensing it with THE MOST reckless of abandon.
I don’t know what kind of summer camp this is… but just make the check payable to therapy.
Anywho… back to your thing. I forgot my whole shit. Was gonna make a point about you letting this nigga babysit, but the picture just fucked me up. Anyway…
You got to be safe about your dirt. Even if you’re just hooking up on the random sex tip. I could write a book… I won’t, but I could. Why? Well because I’m not a pimp so there is no pressure for me to help you market your vagina better. Also because now that picture makes me want to wrap this up, so i can drive to Lowes and get a better lock for my door.
But unless some of you want to get calls like name redacted just got… from her filthy cousin talking bout “aye you dirty bitch I just saw you trying to sell that pussy on BackPage(.)com and I’m telling the WHOLE FAMILY unless you get that bitch you were posing with to throw me a freebie… and I ain’t wearing NO RUBBERS cause I’m old school”.
Yeah…. mans a Viking.
Also YEAH… she is his COUSIN… just a fucking ghoulie.
Yeah.. so unless you want THAT action, you may want to consider spacing your dirt a little farther from where you live/work/raise your babies.
Oh…. and btw… you dont have to be a kid to get napped nowadays. Dr. Suess Tree can do 2 google searches and figure out roughly where you live… and when he’s done combing his schmeckle he’s coming over. Birds of a feather got equally flocked up browser history, so its not far fetched.
You know how those millionaires get tigers and puma and shadow cats to live in a grotto on their property. Yeah… well you are way fucking easier to catch fam.
So… before you find yourself in an Argentinian brothel, force blowing some uncircumcised Turkish guy who cant stop farting and slapping you in the face for reacting to it, while a nigga in a gimp suit keeps unzipping his mouth hole to scream “PEEL THAT TURKISH BANANA BITCH”. Yeah.. you may just want to get a second job to make ends meet.
I know it sucks having to promise Chipotle to a coworker, so he looks out for you while you buss a quick squat piss behind the boxes cause Amazon warehouse don’t believe in bathroom breaks… but that is a gated community compared to this other shit. Try some telemarketing, or learn to code. Just cause you good at it dont mean it should be your job fam. I can drink 2 bottles of wine in like 30 min but you dont see me joining the Navy or trying to be a circuit court judge.
Have a nice day
KM
You’re welcome…
Dr Mayfield