Things My Homeboy Says: A tribute to Dwayne Headphones Lawson

So one of the greatest people i have ever met… my friend, my mentor, my producer, my homeboy Dwayne “Headphones” Lawson. He passed a few years ago, but he was (and i cant stress this enough) probably the funniest person i ever met. We would talk on the phone pretty much every day, and while the conversations were SUPPOSED to be about music and him teaching me how to be a professional musician… they would go EVERYWHERE. We would just end up talking about life or stories or whats going on in the world. During these talks he would say some of the WILDEST shit i had ever heard. So much so, that i started writing it down and posting it on FB. But i couldnt say “yo… this is what Headphones just said” because some of it is… well.. you’ll see. So to keep us out of trouble i would just say “Things My Homeboy Says” kind of like “Shit My Dad Says”.

Yesterday was his birthday (RIP) and these needed a better home than my Tumblr

These shits bring fucking tears to my eyes, and sometimes I pull em up just to give myself a good laugh. So here you go…..

Hope you enjoy it, and if you knew him… you will INSTANTLY read them in his voice.

dont mind the image… that is the photo i have as the profile pic for him in my phone. It made me feel better.

Things My Homeboy Says: “Lil Wayne is wearing fuzzy boots like a “mug-woy” he crazy, he begging to be put in Sheppard Pratt. His father walking around 50yrs old rubbing his hands together and talking like a toddler. Saying stuff like “money schmell” with all that shit on em. He is pure strait from the Nigger tap. Aint nothing mixed in there but nigga. Nigga and Evil. Nigga Evil, and ignorance. You think that so cool, im gonna bring an old nigga up to your job with tattoos on your face. Right at that acconting firm.. or mcdonalds or wherever else you work. Then you not gonna want to give up your government name.And his brother face look like a foot. Thats why they only show him for a second. They dont want nobody throwin up, or changing the channel.”

Things My Homeboy Says:
Me: Ayo.. how you like your steak?
Him: Well done…. the hell you think
Me: Eh.. gross
Him: You eat your steak that way cause your part white man..
Me: Whatever nigga
Him: (yells to his wife) Kane is from an island… that means his ancestors is part cannibal. All they had was niggas to eat.

Things My Homeboy Says: “if warren buffet was a nigga he would live in a diamond house shaped like a titty, and prolly ride around in voltron. he would put all his cars together.. it would have Bentley feet, Maybach arms, and a rocket ship face. He would just be riding around on that, fucking up blocks and shit. And it wouldn’t be no saving the universe neither. He would rep his block.. CHICKEN FOR EVERYBODY.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Look just cause you rap about religion dont mean i got to like it. “science scrolls and aaaah black jesus gave me a cross and drunk berry juice with em…. for the gods and earths” That aint real… you cant trick me. Talking bout you sewing blankets for the babies.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “That nigga Prodigy dont even rap no more. He sound like a nigga thats just threatening you over the phone. Dont believe me.. right before that nigga rap say “hello”. That’s why he aint get no calls in jail… niggas think he rapping all the time.”

Prodigy: Yeah fuck Earl and them… little faggit, my world is the pen
Dude on Phone: i aint even bothering your sister no more
Prodigy: i dont give a fuck where you live hit up your wiz
Dude On Phone: Man you calling my phone… im trying to work… i just got my CDL lisense
Prodigy: Duck nigga.. shoot up your truck nigga
Dude On Phone: Man thats company property… how you gonna do me like that playa

Things My Homeboy Says:

Him: Yeah man.. somedays i think about if i wasnt married. You and me would be out there running wild. We would be eskimoe brothers.

Me: We would be WHAT? What the hell is… wait… dont tell me lmao… can i take a pass?

Him: Yeah i guess… i mean.. shit, it aint nothing nasty like that.. niggas always act like that. It aint like im inviting you to a fucking. LOL.

Things My Homeboy Says:

Him: I hate these chicks who be taking surprise pictures of themselves.

Me: Surprise pictures….. what you mean

Him: Yeah them ones that they took themselves in the mirror with they mouth open like SURPRISE. I should give you a real surprise, and pop up behind you nekkid with a dog collar, a branding iron and a bucket of water. Like yeah… SURPRISE.

Things My Homeboy Says: “yeah…. cause the gay national anthem is Lady Gaga’s Disco Stick”

Things My Homeboy Says: (after i threatened to send him some ART)

“yeah… well… you dont wanna do that. I will jump through the phone like ghost dad. Our friendship will never be the same, next time i see you my heel gonna touch my ass, then im gonna kick you square in the nuts. Niggas be like why you do that… and im gonna say, well fuck it, im just vandalizing some art.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “People always be talking some grown and sexy… im gonna throw me an “Ugly & Immature” shindig. We dont give a FUK… and im gonna spell it just like that. We aint playing no music, its just strait from the radio. Drink all you want, as long as its your… it if aint yours so what, steal a nigga shit… immature. Wear your old prom dress… we aint giving a shit.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Ayooooo my new name is Hip Hop because niggas be stealing my culture. I be getting raped more than the MUTHALAND!”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Man I wish I catch me a nigga planking… kick him in his head then kick him in his feet… spin that nigga around. Be like HAHAH… now you helicoptering. See a nigga planking… step on his arms and ROB HIM. One of yall gonna get raped… you call it planking.. in Rikers they call it brunch. With your face down and you but all up like that.. hahahaa…. “

Things My Homeboy Says: “Yeahhh… follow that shit on twitter… #SombreroGANG.. we been manscaping since 76′. We real ratchet… and we will give you a nice trim. You see them bags of oinches you betta duck nigga. Yall trying to get you some papers, we like what kind you want… NY Times, LA Times, Baltimore Sun..”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Niggas be lying like…”I dont be dancing..” yeah right.. let that right club song come on, you gonna be shaking your dick at errthang. Club look like dirty dancin the urban version. Whole club shaking they asses like strippers.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “A lot of people on the internet are people who are not used to saying what they want. Me.. i say what i want.. so the internet is for porn and shit. They be all “woe is me, but im a keep trucking on cause god sent me a gmail and told me to keep the faith, keep my head to the sky, and how im a step on all the haters. Lemme find out god sending text messages talking bout fuck the h8ters. Or bitches who ask dumb shit like “what does love mean to you” complaining how niggas wanna hit it and quit it. You got them titties propped up for a suckin’, and you taking pictures drunk in the nightclub. Me.. I answer em. Love is where two souls meet by the train station and one of em gets raped.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Yeah… well you shouldn’t be ear droppin… what.. well whatever its called. Ears droppin… well what is it then? I dont give a shit, i dont say ear hustling. Niggas always want to add hustle to something to make it look like they doing something. (his wife says that the kids said it) yeah… cause they some slang lords. I just teach the truth to the young black youth.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Steve Jobs was a real black nigga about his… yall be mad that Big Dukey Rope and them aint taking care of they kids, but neither was that nigga. But you be using his iPhones and iPads and all that. Supporting that nigga. So on fathers day all these bitches gonna be bitching about bad fathers from their iphones… “

Things My Homeboy Says: (his wive attacks him and he farts) “yeah you aint know that though cause im part skunk, thats a defense mechanism. (she runs away cause its real horrible and he yells to her) yeah thats some new shit my ass conjured up. Im dominican… part skunk… and my ass is a sorcerer. That will stink up your hair weave. Im a take my pants down, spread eagle and let you meet the sorcerer.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “I want some sparklers on my pelligrino water when i go out. Stuntin on niggas.. i want niggas to bang on pots and pans so the whole world know im stunin as I eats on this fine beef stroganoff. Band on a base drum and play the kazoo. I want that old ass couple over there to know im ballin.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “They got them Marty McFly shoes out… you should go cop you some of those. Yeah but you should wear em with just the shoes and a diaper, and draw on yourself with magic marker.. yeaah… then light them shits up and spin around with two disco sticks in your hand. That will get you some fans”

Things My Homeboy Says: (On True Blood) “Naah I aint get into this season. The sexyness is GONE. Now its just a bunch of creatures in the woods fuckin on each other. Cant wack off to that. Bad enough I was trying to wack off to some pale white people with blood in they mouth. I should be on that show… Call me the FUCKASAUR… RAAAEEERRRR… be like yeah “yeah snookie.. bet you cant call them niggas with these balls in your mouth”. Be down at Merlotts.. jumping over your head and fuckin on the back of your neck. Cause a Fuckasaur is almost part mosquito.. it will stick you ANYWHERE.. (wife yells for him to shut up) … well get out my god damn room if you dont want to hear the tale of the Fuckasaur.. cause it comes from the depths of the deep.. like Hoffstralia or somewhere. “

Things My Homeboy Says: “Nowdays niggas throw swag on everything… niggas dont care, that shit like ketchup.”

Things My Homeboy Says: (on niggas weird handshakes) “Please dont give me the lobster claw.. just shake my hand like a man. That way we dont have a misunderstanding. Im gonna just grab you by the wrist and shake that.”

Things My Homeboy Says:

Me: WTF… the maintenance man is just outside pissing… like in the open

Him: Wooord…

Me: Yeah but he just right there… I’m trying to think of the equivalent. Its like.. if i stood on the curb in front of your neighbors steps and was just pissing on they steps. Like you can see me… i ain’t behind shit.

Him: Well my neighbors wouldn’t care.. they would just bump some Meek Millz and tell you “YOU A BOSS”.

Me: o_0

Him: They be like… Yeah you a bawse for that right thurr.

Things My Homeboy Says:

Me: Im gonna buy me a spinning chain

Him: Yeah.. well im gonna buy me a 38 special

Me: 0_o

Him: Yeah.. im gonna bop everywhere i go and drive around in a big jeep with a diamond gold tooth and listen to nothing but Das Effex. (turns on “Gimme Dat Microphone” real loud and puts the phone to the speaker) … yeah…. iggity biggity

Me: What is WRONG WITH YOU … lmao

Him: Yeah, and im gonna get me one of them chewy sticks too. With big 40 Below Timberlands, and some Walker Wear. Roll up on you with oversized jail jean suits and be like Sticky Fingaz and make my eyes cross eyed.

Me: (crying)

Him: What you laughing at… im gonna dress up like a different character from the 90’s and menace you. Dress like X-Clan and ask you if you want a cup of verbal milk with some justice cookies.

Things My Homeboy Says: “If i wrote a book i wouldn’t be on the back cover with my fist on my chin.. i would be in the nude showing this SCHLING. Cause thats what wrote the book.. BALLS. I would have a big censor on the balls… showing a little penis though.. CAUSE SEX SELLS.”

Things My Homeboy Says: (after noticing a big rip in the knee of my jeans) “Hahahah… look at that nigga pants. Yeah… he got that big rip in his pants.. but its on the gay side. Some nigga gonna roll up and put a quarter in it, and be like IM HERE TO RIDE THE FUCK MACHINE. You better cut that out…. and stop typing what i be saying… matter a fact… tell them bitches i said whats crackin’s… and dont cover up them nips. Tell em to show them areol’ers.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “… idk man.. if you are over the age of 25 and you are still concerned about people knowing your govt name… you are either a ho-bag, or just a theif ass nigga. So what? You some kind of secret agent… NO.. I doubt that, cause the only nigga they hire for mission impossible is Ving Rhames. So you probably a whore… selling that fish fry.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Yeah we was chillin, and that nigga came through like Jerry Sandusky… “i see you got some 10yr old kids there want me to teach em some defense. Hey hey thur young fella.. lemme teach you to hike a ball”

Things my homeboy says: “And I aint FORMATTING SH!T…….. cause im getting that GUAPZILLA” lol

Things my homeboy says: “Damn that record was BALLS DEEEEEEP in lyricism”

Things My Homeboy Says: “I think a dookie stain is the most embarrassing thing you can have…. one time in gym this nigga had a duke stain from his balls to his belt. How you a nigga tryin to fuck somethin with a dookie stain in your draws ”

Things My Homeboy Says: (Im still laughing)

Him: (singing to himself) “i drink up all the stank, till it aint stank nomore

ME: haahaaaaaaaa, what the hell is stank… and dont you mean smoking… lmao… wtf

Him: Naah…ehrr….aint that when they put the weed in the patron…yeah

ME: maaan niggas dont do that lmao…. what you talking about … you making up shit

Him: naaah……. yeah thats what it is… weed in the patron…i think they call it Stank N Piss. yep thats what its called.

ME: naah lolololol naaah its not yo……. you lying, nobody calls it that

Him: hey … well , whatever…..(muttering to himself)

Me: what you doing

Him: Think im gonna call me Aunt and see if she wanna have a dank party

Things My Homeboys Says:“Yeah I’m gonna have me a bachelor party… bitches gonna be dressed like leopards… and leopards gonna be dressed like bitches.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “I paid $20 to get in here……. im gonna cut me out a nice piece of this rug, and take it home with me”

Things My Homeboy Says: “If you so “African” why dont you ride a horse?”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Yeah i read your note….. but Im in the trap like Fievel. See I got them double entendre’s too”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Killah Priest say things when he rap like ” Karl Malone elbows to your face of Nazareth “

Things My Homeboy Says: “I’m gonna be there….. with bells on…… and a fro-hawk”

Things My Homeboy Says: “I told her…. I aint worried bout you bussin… I’m gonna get mines and go to sleep. Lay there naked and fart, while i spray febreze in the air and hope the mist catches my body.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “I dont understand these niggas with tattoos on their face…. like so you gonna commit crime with a tattoo on yo face??? All they gonna say is, “it was the nigga with the tattoo on his face”. Stupid man….. so what…what…… you gonna wear a mask…… in the summertime…… NIGGA SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND HAVE A MICHELOB WITH A SKRAWBERRY IN IT”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Ayo he had sideburns on his beard… like beast man”

Things My Homeboy Says: “He look like he stay looking like he stank… yeah he prolly do stank. Schmelling like dookie pepper”

Things my Homeboy Says: “To tell you the truth I really don’t like animals. They serve their purpose …and their purpose is on my grill. Fuck all that save the animals …. and jumping all around petting em. Thats like playing with your food. You over there throwing Frisbee’s …..to…to some cow. I’ll be laughing … and I’ll be back for em’. Invite you over my house next week for a Texas barbecue. That was delicious MEATS you playing with. How you gone have DELICIOUS BACON as a pet. Falling in love with your food… you need to serve that nigga with some biscuits. Rubbing that cows mane .. or whatever they got. Singing the songs he wants to sing. Well i dont know cow parts all i know is ribs and ground chuck.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “I would of spun around and been like .. well sheet, you prolly in love with me, I’m a Mack Nicklous Playa

Things My Homeboy Says: “I aint used to like GZA … his voice too strong. I feel like he’s judging me from my speaker. Cant bag up to that shit neither.”

‎Things My Homeboy Says: “Yeah brotha… i dont know what to tell you man. Well you know you got to ….aye wait.. hold on Kane…… (Yells to his son) “Aye you cant sleep in here boy, we was fucking when you was sleep” (his son goes “whaaaaat”) “yeah.. anyway kane, its all good… yeaah… I mean.. wait hold on (yells to his son again) What you looking at … i was like schmack schmack schmack when you was snoozing hahahahaaaaaa”

Things my Homeboy Says: “A bunch of yall on facebook was in D.E.C. classes. Used to think it stood for Dummies Eating Chicken hahahahaahahahaah”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Im gonna hijack your fb one of these days and be like “kane is away for the weekend…. what up bitches. Which one of yall trying show me that fuzzy womack”

Things My Homeboy Says:

Him: “As your personal Jiminy Cricket I would say go ahead and do that”

Me: “I dont know man.. sometimes your advice on (insert particular subject) be off”

Him: “Well what do you expect… I’m a cricket. I aint Jesus. Crickets is the lowest of the low.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Man I’m tired of people bringing up Jesus while I’m eating. Im gonna get rich and buy me a penis implant….like 15 inches of cockasaurus. And when they bring up Jesus im gonna take that big old monster out and be like THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE IN. Then im gonna sing p,p,p,p,p,p,poooker face. Stop tryin to convert a nigga over lunch.”

Things My Homeboy Says: (In reference to Demolition Man’s famous 3 shells) “Unless your scraping on the side walls which is gonna make a mess, there is no way you can clean your ass with some seashells. What ……… you supposed to scoop the duke out with a shell. Somebody apparently like their hands greasy. I challenge a nigga right now to go to Bed Bath and Beyond and wipe his ass better than me using him some shells. They would be like “we dont use wipes in the planetarium” ..and i would be like gimme your shirt then. Gimme one of them planetarium dish rags. So much for the future…….. hover boards yes, three shells HELL NO”

Things My Homeboy Says: “I hate when people keep dropping famous people names. Im sure your pops is real proud that his son hangs out with famous people. Like i hope my son grows up and be hanging around celebs all day…… stop it, if not for me than for your pops sake.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “naah yo… cats be delusional. Niggas wake up, and tell 5 lies before they eat bacon. They wake up, like “good morning fb fam.. we did it real B.I.G last night”. You lying with stinky breath.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “I don’t care… I know I’m racist. Like if yous a Mexican. You good at selling bag-ziz of oranges. And at some point you gonna wear a sombrero. “

Things My Homeboy Says: “When I fly I fly early. I get up before the terrorists… they got to pray to jihad. ( I look at him and shake my head) What… nigga well whatever they pray too. Jah or whoever. Oh that’s the Jamaicans. Whatever… y’all fly during primetime infidel hours.”

Things My Homeboy Says: “Man something about me and retarded people dont get along. I just think they are gonna spit at any moment. Or they gonna start drooling like “blaeeeeeemmaaaaaa”, thats real drool… that aint TV drool”

Things My Homeboy Says: (after saying a bunch of awful things about cripple people)

” … hahhaa.. cause im the Black Lenny Bruce”