Description
That’s right… we’re reclaiming the term… are you ready to get fashionably packed up?
This is the world’s most rappidy rap biggity bookback nappiest sack (pause)
Words can’t describe how avant-garde you will feel when you put this on, and immediately, people with turtlenecks and weird hats start inviting you to art galleries.
You are buying things on my website, so obviously you are not poor, but if you made your wealth quickly, you may not be cultured enough to blend in with the Ongo Gablogians of the world. So gesture to a the biggest painting or pumpkin taped to the wall or whatever is under glass and repeat the following;
“What we have here is a devastating indictment of post-industrial impressionism… an effervecent scream against the synthetic joy of the neoliberal circus. The clown, a vessel of performative suffering, consumes not sustenance, but memory. It’s visceral. It’s phallic. I am engorged… admire its refusal to adhere to palette orthodoxy. One cannot help but recall the final exhibition of Oswald Cobblepot before he was expelled from the rigid Italian galleries for making sculptures out of his own fish waste. But this…this is bolder. It’s revolting. I’m arooooused”
It helps if you can make yourself throw up, right there on the floor… those kind of people love that shit
But art aside, this is a legit rapper bookbag… if we find out you never put a gun in this bag, it will void the warranty. Nonetheless, this stylish slice of heaven is perfect for holding whatever laptop you launch rugpulls with, and all your reefer devices.
People will see you with this bag and know in their heart of hearts you have made cash deals for rowhomes in Baltimore. Probably gonna ask if they “know you from that one Real Estate mixer on Charles Street?”. Just give ’em the “shush finger” and tell ’em ur trying to fly under the radar.. like a fucking titan of industry.
Also, don’t put like shoes and underwear in this bag… unless you kicked ass in the shoes and the draws are a sexual conquest trophy. This bag is for everybody so if you are a handsome woman… and you poached some young fuck boi and made him buy you dinner and eat your butt in a taxi cab… snatch his briefs off the floor at the end of ur tryst and stuff em in the front pocket of your bookbag while you make eye contact with him and call him a PYT. Thats how you defeat the patriarchy. Everybody else too… we love everybody… so if you are a they/them, flim/flams, swamp fae, birdperson, or whatever you call people who put condoms on octopuses’ tentacles and microdose sleeping pills…. you are all good with us, as soon as your card goes through.
• All material was ethically sourced from the backseat of a 1987 Saab once owned by a performance artist named Vishna who only spoke in Morse code. Fly shit. This is art.
• Fabric weight: This bag can carry around 4 kilos of whatever substance you are selling for money, but we recommend hiding it in textbooks like Fresh, so that would be like 2 conservatively. Those Chelsea types love marching powder… so this bag will pay for itself within weeks.
• Maximum weight limit: I mean if you are not worried about dogs or whatever… sheeeeeet, like 8 of them things comfortable
• Water-resistant material: So when all the foxxy ladies see this bag on ur back and splash crash ur situation, all your documents don’t get ruinated.
• Large inside pocket with a separate compartment for a 15” laptop, front pocket with a zipper, and a hidden pocket with zipper on the back of the bag… do what you will with that information. The point is they are not gonna find whatever it is. This bag is a fun house of pockets.
• Top zipper has 2 sliders with zipper pullers… i know very well what that sounds like. I support all of that. This bag will get you sliding with two of them zipper pullers. In any context you desire. GUARANTEED.
• Silky lining, piped inside hems, and a soft mesh back. That sounds overtly sexual…
• This bag will make people call you “provocative,” which means they like you but dont know what you do for a living. As long as you have that burner on you and some of that Roxanne Shante you are gonna be good to go. Be aware that these people like to have loose animals all crazy… so dont get shook if a guy drinking broth out of a mason jar with a goose feather in it lets his shoulder ferret or emotional support iguana crawl on your feets.
• Blank product components sourced from a repurposed factory outside of Krakow, Poland that on weekends doubles as an ayahuasca retreat for people who do EDM yoga.
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This product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order. There is a man in a basement who will be woke up if he is sleep and told to get to work as soon as ur card clears, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Sometimes he tries to escape and do the writing backwards shit on the windows and he needs a bit of straightening. We find making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, also trying to catch a warehouse full of these mf’ers is wild hard and then John Law starts asking mad questions… so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!
Age restrictions: For adults and children
EU Warranty: 2 years
Other compliance information: Meets the flammability, and lead, phthalates, cadmium and bisphenols level requirements.
In compliance with the General Product Safety Regulation (GPSR), Oak inc. and SINDEN VENTURES LIMITED ensure that all consumer products offered are safe and meet EU standards. For any product safety related inquiries or concerns, please contact our EU representative at gpsr@sindenventures.com. You can also write to us at 123 Main Street, Anytown, Country or Markou Evgenikou 11, Mesa Geitonia, 4002, Limassol, Cyprus.
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