Opulent Knitted Shirt “The La Crosse”

Description

Ok so the problem with exaggerating these descriptions is I have no way of being like “ok.. this one is serious guys.”

We’ve actually woven a garment so good I had to rewrite this THREE TIMES because the first two times i said things so inappropriate my team asked me to change it

they were right… i was WAAAAY out of line
it got a little racist, and VERY sexual

but think about that… like… have you read these?
i say crazy shit…
can you fathom a garment so decadent that we had to edit THE DESCRIPTION because it was deemed “too raunchy for Kane’s website” and a “bad look” whatever that means.

I’m ashamed I went that far to sell a shirt

It’s mad nice tho… look how artsy it is

• 55% alpaca, 45% whatever fabric Pablo Escobar used to wear. The blowy material. It’s like silk, but fancier and will make you feel like a mustachioed drug lord
• Fabric woven tight, so you can dance like Shabba Ranks by the pool
• Classic fit, with unisexy sizing… so your significant other will appreciate your prowess. Typically takes a few wears to adjust to your body, but once it does… its like a blue chew, but for clothing. You will be bricked up and knocking things off your dresser because this is the top of the fashion foodchain.
• 4-color jacquard knit. Which to me sounds like a European about to say a slur, and then stopping themselves
• Blank products sourced and fulfilled in La Crosse, Wisconsin, believe it or not. They have a real “look the other way” policy, as long as you throw the mayor like $60 in subway sandwich gift cards. If you buy him Gucci slippers, you can really have your run of the place. Some guy named Shaun Don or whatever. He’s pretty cool… black guy… loves gifts. Sent him some fancy beard oils when we opened. I kicked in for the policeman’s ball and now we have free armed security to ensure the quality control of this shirt remains… uninterrupted. If you get my snow drift.

• The tee may shrink slightly after the first wash because some of them are just excited to see you.
• For best results, follow the care instructions. If you find any notes in you packaging about “people being held against their will, in a factory in La Crosse, Wisconsin and please send help and systemic corruption and bla bla bla” and whatever other crybaby shit those lazy bones keep complaining about instead of getting their WORK DONE… just disregard it. Or better yet, take a pic of you in the shirt, holding the note, and giving the thumbs up like Abu Ghraib so we can prove that nobody is coming to save them and i will send YOU a subway gift card.

============================================================================================
This product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order. There is a man in a basement who will be woke up if he is sleep and told to get to work as soon as ur card clears, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Sometimes he tries to escape and do the writing backwards shit on the windows and he needs a bit of straightening. We find making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, also trying to catch a warehouse full of these mf’ers is wild hard and then John Law starts asking mad questions… so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!