Description
Look… I wasn’t gonna sell socks.
Socks is a whole different business vertical. You probably don’t know this, but when you start selling socks, that shit is a gateway drug to running a full-on haberdashery… and next thing you know you got a warehouse full of irregular toe-seams and a guy named Dmitri calling you at 3am about moisture wicking. That’s not my ministry beloved. I have NEVER moistened anybodys wick work. Thats of the devil… and i would never willingly enter such a darksided business endeavor. Then T-Mobile called and it was all “we are not fucking kidding… we will cut your phone off slim, last warning” and then I was all “well i guess i could sell some extremely classy Christian socks”.
Im not exclusionist… so we also sell Muslim socks. Different factory. The muslim ones are nicer because Aki be taking his shoes off way more times a day… so we use the algorithm to figure out whichever one you are… and we send you the other ones… for harmony and the coexist bumper sticker flex.
I’m just kidding… all of my socks come from Bangalore so technically they are Hindu, but that’s frankly none of your business. Your Mormon feets could never fathom the luxury of a high-end Hindu sock. So live a little.
But i have another reason… I was at my cousin’s wedding… nice ceremony… open bar… mid shelf. And I’m standing there talking to some friend from his wife’s work, and I look down, and this woman got on the most DISRESPECTFUL socks I’ve ever seen in my life. Like… I can’t even describe em. They had little cartoon dogs on them. At a WEDDING. Little beagles or some shit just yapping all over her ankles b. And she’s standing there in a formal dress talking about “oh yes the bride looks lovely” with 47 beagles screaming from her feets.
And I thought to my self… “self, this is what happens when you let Hollywood tell this woman she can save a youth center by letting black teenagers teach her to breakdance”.
People out here wearing whatever. Argyle. Toe socks. Socks with the individual toes like a foot glove. The fuck is that? Are you a monkey? Thats monkey footing, which is a racist term and i promised myself i would stop doing racisms in these descriptions (after the slave cotton t-shirt thing). Yall make me break my promise, because you are corny and got “IF YOU CAN READ THIS BRING ME WINE” on the bottom of your bullshit socks like we are still in Covid lockdown. Socks with weed leaves on them like we don’t know you work at a bank. Stop compensating for all the shit you never bought from Hot Topic. Your mom was right. It was inappropriate then and its unappropriate now.
Nah.
Not on my watch.
So these are just socks. Plain. Simple. A logo. That’s it. That’s the whole product. No cartoon animals. No inspirational messages. No marijuana iconography. Just socks that say “I am a person who wears socks and I don’t need to make it my personality because i have appropriate levels of self-esteem.”
You know how powerful that is? That is grey sweatpants with a fat hog print, walking through the Kroger’s level confidence. The security lady is gonna yell, “BIG KIELBASA in isle 5”. Bogo that dick out. Groceries are free now big dogs.
Young people will accuse you of Aura farming. That’s a person you can trust. That’s a person who probably has money. Or is about to. Because they’re not out here wasting their energy on novelty footwear.
80% cotton, 17% polyzester, 3% spankdex… which is apparently the ratio because i pay people to figure this out for me, since I didn’t go to sock college. But the sock guy said this is the ratio and he had a clipboard so we are all gonna take that at face value.
Cushioned sole… because you’re gonna need more of that for the pushing. Not sodomy, drugs. You can also hide drugs in these socks. Dry fit so you can have an evening worth of Malibu in them arches and the police can’t do shit about it. Point is.. cushioning matters.
Machine washable… which I’m only including because apparently some socks aren’t? I had the same reaction homie. Who’s out here hand-washing socks in the year of our lord? If that’s you… you need these. You need normal socks and a normal life bro. We can help.
KM logo on the top part, so when you hike up ur pants leg to get a knife out your boot, or a whatever your designer weed is called… prob Jamiriquois Saturnalia or some dumb shit… people go “oh… that guy knows Kane… let me get him some extra brisket… for the FREE. Better treatment while you wait for your Buckees sandwich is pretty much guaranteed. Some handsome women is gonna probably walk up and grab you, right on the Oathkeeper and be like “i love a man with class”. Or if you ARE a handsome woman… something good for you too… a mechanic won’t overcharge you for refilling your blinker fluid or whatever your struggle is.
Made in USA… by people who I assume are doing fine. Yeah, ignore all that India stuff if you are the kind of person who won’t give me money because of that… let’s just say “i was kidding” and these were sewn “right here in the heartland of democracy” by people who “live WELL above the poverty line”. I didn’t check. But American labor laws exist so probably nobody cried while making these. We assume. If they did it wasn’t about the socks. We’ve all cried at work. That’s not a sock issue that’s a capitalism issue.
Comes in black, white, and that weird green/grey color from the pictures. That color goes with camo. I’m not gonna tell you which one to get. You know what color your life is.
RECALL WARNING: We have had to forcibly recall a bunch of pairs of these socks because we found out some of you unsavory types were using them for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training and that is just not what we are doing this for.
I hate to pull rank here… but we are a patriotic company that makes family-friendly products and supports sportsmanship and fair play.
Telling someone you want to fight, and then laying on your back like you are trying to get pregnant while lobster-grabbing at him with your legs, and scooting across the floor like a horny Roomba is not the image we want to send to our youth. Wrapping your legs around a gentleman like a koala bear and mashing your grundle against his navel is NOT sportsmanship. Its called “the sex pretzle” and thats fine if its what you are into but not in front of the kids. What’s the point of me getting african american rich off all this snake oil if i cant coach little league or walk around my own boxing gym with a towel on my neck telling young fighters to “keep at it”?
You are robbing me of that dream by associationing my fine products with your debauchery. Hopefully i make enough to pay that scrunch-face little environment girl enough breaddingtons to run a full on shame campaign.
Age restrictions: For adults with money on their credit/debit card
EU Warranty: 2 years… but you know, we got a whole section about that in our terms and conditions.
In compliance with the General Product Safety Regulation (GPSR), G.Soros inc. and The Clinton Foundation ensure that all consumer products offered are safe and meet whatever your weird European standards are this week. We have paid enough of your elected officials off to squash whatever bullshit concern you may have. It cost WAY less than you think. Some of them just wanted tickets to Daytona 500 and some American chocolates. I thought they wanted to purchase people and got wild offened, but they really just want candy because yall ban high fructose corn syrup so it hits like cocaine to them. For any product safety-related inquiries or concerns, please contact our EU representative at events@theboxinggym.co.uk You can also write to us at Istedgade 38, St. Th, 1655 Copenhagen V, Denmark.
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